Post by caveman on Dec 6, 2012 16:28:49 GMT -5
Everyone craves physical and emotional affection to some degree. Due to my mental illness, and knowing that when my grandmother passes I will either lash out at anyone close to me or lash out at myself causing anyone close to me to stress and worry, I try to keep myself from getting attached to people. My track record with that is much like an alcoholic who can't stay sober even though he is in AA. Even when I find someone who says they would stay by me no matter what I chase them off because I do not want to hurt them.
It's days like today that really make me ache for some sort of affection. I was unable to sleep at all last night and I have to do my weekly day shift. Thursdays used to be a special day. The day when my ladyfriend would come over and we would spend some time together. No matter how tired or stressed I was, the thought of getting that affection I crave got me through today. Like all things in life it ended and now Thursdays are nothing more than a glaring black hole in my life. A jagged scar of loneliness and self-hate that gets a little bit bigger each week.
I can feel myself growing bitter and cold. Just the other day I chased away someone who honestly cared because I didn't want to risk having two puss filled wounds on my soul at the same time. I burnt a bridge before I got used to it so it wouldn't hurt as much when it was gone. With hindsight I realize how fucking stupid that is but I know that if the situation happened again I would repeat it without hesitation.
It's days like today that really make me ache for some sort of affection. I was unable to sleep at all last night and I have to do my weekly day shift. Thursdays used to be a special day. The day when my ladyfriend would come over and we would spend some time together. No matter how tired or stressed I was, the thought of getting that affection I crave got me through today. Like all things in life it ended and now Thursdays are nothing more than a glaring black hole in my life. A jagged scar of loneliness and self-hate that gets a little bit bigger each week.
I can feel myself growing bitter and cold. Just the other day I chased away someone who honestly cared because I didn't want to risk having two puss filled wounds on my soul at the same time. I burnt a bridge before I got used to it so it wouldn't hurt as much when it was gone. With hindsight I realize how fucking stupid that is but I know that if the situation happened again I would repeat it without hesitation.